"Fuck if I know," has a shaky edge that's more a laugh that otherwise. "I don't ... OK so like. Layer one in this bizarre onion: I'm so fucking angry someone did this to her against her will. Like, taking all I can do to not grab Rowntree and force a vote where I demand we immediately burn down the Chantry. Like, metaphorically, I should specify given that we're in Kirkwall. But still." She flexes her hands, absent and a bit restless.
"Layer two, somewhat in confidence because I don't know how widely this is known: years ago, Herian told me she was thinking about Tranquility on purpose. The fucking Circle made her so afraid of herself that she..." Cosima breaks off over what's clearly an unpleasant memory, taking a breath to center herself. "Anyway. I talked her off the ledge. This was back when we were together, my first time here. And now it feels like some monkey's paw shit on top of how much I would have hated this anyway."
She tilts her head back for a moment, as if the ceiling might have an answer (or just not to directly meet Stephen's gaze for a minute, as much as she trusts him to be saying this at all).
"Layer three. Talking with her now ... it really brings home to me that there's a lot of places where we just don't understand each other that don't really have anything to do with the Tranquility. I mean, maybe that makes it clearer in some ways, but it's nothing that wasn't there before in a different form. And that sucks, you know? Like, in a way I don't know what to fucking do with right now because there are a million more important things going on, but it's still tough to swallow. Because it's right up against layer four, which is that I'm always going to care about her. Like, even if we restore her connection to her emotions, I don't think we should get back together, it's a bad idea for a lot of reasons. But even if it's as friends, what happens to her, her well-being. It matters to me so much."
Another shaky laugh as she looks back his way. "Sorry, I kind of meant to ease into some of that, it's just ... I haven't really talked to anyone about it at all and now you're the lucky winner."
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"Layer two, somewhat in confidence because I don't know how widely this is known: years ago, Herian told me she was thinking about Tranquility on purpose. The fucking Circle made her so afraid of herself that she..." Cosima breaks off over what's clearly an unpleasant memory, taking a breath to center herself. "Anyway. I talked her off the ledge. This was back when we were together, my first time here. And now it feels like some monkey's paw shit on top of how much I would have hated this anyway."
She tilts her head back for a moment, as if the ceiling might have an answer (or just not to directly meet Stephen's gaze for a minute, as much as she trusts him to be saying this at all).
"Layer three. Talking with her now ... it really brings home to me that there's a lot of places where we just don't understand each other that don't really have anything to do with the Tranquility. I mean, maybe that makes it clearer in some ways, but it's nothing that wasn't there before in a different form. And that sucks, you know? Like, in a way I don't know what to fucking do with right now because there are a million more important things going on, but it's still tough to swallow. Because it's right up against layer four, which is that I'm always going to care about her. Like, even if we restore her connection to her emotions, I don't think we should get back together, it's a bad idea for a lot of reasons. But even if it's as friends, what happens to her, her well-being. It matters to me so much."
Another shaky laugh as she looks back his way. "Sorry, I kind of meant to ease into some of that, it's just ... I haven't really talked to anyone about it at all and now you're the lucky winner."